I’ve been seeing women and men on facebook and instagram with their elaborate Father’s Day tributes–bestowing the men in their lives with fancy gadgets, expensive lobster dinners or scrapbook photo collages. I don’t do any of that. My husband doesn’t have a cell phone, he’s on a diet so anything with butter is out, and I have never used scrapbook as a verb or a noun or a word I would use in a sentence like, “Hey do you want to come over to my house and scrapbook?”

I don’t have anything against people who make those choices, I’m all for letting your freak flag fly. But I roll differently. So because it’s Father’s Day and I have done absolutely no shopping at all, I went to the most convenient place to hunt for some Father’s Day gifts:

7-11! It’s actually fitting because I act like I’m married 7 months out of the year, 11 days out of the month. But it’s also the closest place to my house where they don’t judge if you only buy Pop Rocks and a lotto ticket, or in my case, scrounge together some gifts for my better half.

I noticed some things right away.  No one just casually strolls through a 7-11.  Also, no one probably goes there for GIFT GIVING, they are smarter people.  I saw men rush in, zoom right to the beer, pull out a box of Rolling Rock and be on their way.  That is shame because they missed this gem, Friends for the Playstation. Certifed Pre-Owned!  Like it’s a Honda.  Well, I can tell you, “The One with the Trip” is the Honda of all Friends episodes.  The one with the couch and Ross yelling, “Pivot! Pivot!” is the Lexus of the series. Still, this is the best value.

Condoms is the requisite offering of all convenience stores, however, WHY IS THERE CHAPSTICK RIGHT NEXT TO THEM?  Did their market research indicate that those who use condoms also have chapped lips? (And can those people perform a SPOT ON imitation of Napoleon Dynamite, “MY LIPS HURT REAAAAL BAD!”  Because maybe I was in that survey.)

I thought about getting something healthy because my husband is on a diet.  Wouldn’t it be funny if I got protein bars and said, “You’re going to need your stamina for what I’m about to do!” (Pretend I have a headache, you’ll need the energy to stay up and check me later!)

They were selling these cute cookies at the counter.  I stupidly asked the lady if these were from a local bakery and she gave me the look like these are Valentine’s Day cookies and it’s June, lady, what do you think?

Because most of the customers were not lollygagging around, I knew that I was acting very much like someone who is high.  No one casually strolls through a 7-11.  You get in, fill up your  cherry slurpee, pick the best corndog out of the glass, lift a box of Modelo, pay for your goods and drive off.  Not like this lady, stealthily taking pictures and admiring all of the beef jerky options like I was at the Louvre, staring at the Mona Lisa.  So I did my best to give her a wide-eyed NOT HIGH FACE and bought the following:

1. Red Velvet Cupake:  BECAUSE I’M A ROMANTIC.

2. 7-11 Brand beef and cheese stick.  It’s only five grams of fat (a million milligrams of salt, whatever YOLO [You Only Live Once--especially if you die from gout the first time]) plus the title was in English and Spanish.  Bonus lesson for $1.39!  Now my husband can add to his Spanish lexicon established by a little girl named Dora and her monkey Boots.  Lo hicemos!

3. Sea Salt Chips: I’m sure there are only three chips in this small bag, but it’s healthy!  The word “sea” is on the package and only good things come from the sea.  Except for whatever monster attacked New York in that that movie Cloverfield (I’M STILL WAITING FOR A SEQUEL, JJ ABRAMS!).

4. Cookies and Cream Chex Mix.  It’s delicious.  YOLO!

5. Skinny Cow light chocolate bar.  It looks good!  Plus he doesn’t have to unhinge his jaw to eat it in one bite.  How thoughtful of me!

6. Bud Light Lime-a-Rita.  This was for me so I could be happy enough to let him do whatever he wants (watch sports while I fall asleep and can’t mistakenly root for the clock).

Happy Father’s Day!

Mona Concepcion is the only female Chamorro comic in the whole world. She checked. She regularly blogs at kirida dot com. Find her on twitter, facebook, and your neighborhood 7-11.